How Fred Got His Groove Back

To look at me you’d never guess. Hell yes, I’m wearing a thong right now. It’s all I ever wear anymore.

I know, I know. I’m a 45 year old, 280 pound stodgy white guy. Me in a thong is not an image you want to think much about. But the thong changed my life.

It all started when I lost a bet. Me and Jimmy Cheese were talking about movies and I said it was George Kennedy who played Omar Bradley in “Patton”. He said it was Karl Malden, which was right of course, only I didn’t remember it until after I’d made the bet that the loser would wear thong underwear to work the next day.

What! So we make weird bets like that all the time. You don’t?

So I lost, of course. Jimmy holds me to it (just like I would have done to him) and nothing will do but we have to stop by Target after work and pick up the thong I will be wearing the next day. We had a little trouble finding one in my size, but we did finally.

Next morning I was a little reluctant, but I put it on. I’m not the kind of guy to back down, even when it is a little embarrassing. So the guys at the office laugh. Next time it’ll be their ass and I’ll be laughing. Hell, it’s something to talk about. You try entertaining yourself while processing life insurance premium refund claims all day.

So anyway, I put it on and put my pants on over it. It was a different feeling, or really several different feelings. My cheeks were rubbing against the fabric of my pants. I was lifted and supported in an entirely new way. It wasn’t entirely unpleasant.

In fact, after the initial round of hilarity at the office (I had to stretch my waistband to prove I was in fact wearing the thong) and things calmed down a little, I realized I really liked the feeling. It felt free and a little bit dangerous. It was also like something I vaguely remembered, but I wasn’t sure what at the time (later on I figured out it reminded me of wearing a jock strap in high school). By the end of the day I was really digging on my thong.

I went back to my regular boxer-briefs the next day, but they were unsatisfying. The day after that I wore the thong again. I liked so much I went back to Target and bought 5 more. They’re all I wear anymore.

I think they’ve changed my attitude about life. I walk a little differently – it’s subtle, but I think people notice on some level. I started talking long walks with Tina (my wife) after work and I lost 10 pounds. I thought she would make fun of me (OK, she did a little at first) but now she likes me in my thongs and she likes me new attitude. It’s improved things for us, if you know what I mean.

So yeah, I’m a thong guy.